This week it will be nine months since she's been gone.
Nine months! Since babies are on my mind almost constantly, nine months holds a special weight.
My sadness has changed, evolved. It's constant, but not as overwhelming (except for those times that it is overwhelming, but those times are fewer, farther between). It's kind of like being hungry - it's always there, but I can function with it. I go out into the world and work and talk, but when things get quiet, The Hunger can't be ignored.
I'm managing the sadness better, too, when it does hit. I still cry in my car, but it's not every day. But as we meet friends for dinner, go to the theater, plan our vacation, there is a thought that's always there: "This shouldn't be possible. We should have a six month old baby."
My life hasn't changed. I can still watch TV shows when we feel like it. I can read a book when I want to. When you have a baby, plans, time to yourself, going on vacation - it all goes out the window. We don't have that problem. We still do all those things. And sometimes, I'm even able to enjoy them a little. But underneath it all, there's still The Hunger, the knowledge that she should be here.
It was raining most of the weekend, so we got to be cozy at home most of the time. Rainy weather is so rare in LA, so I love when I can cuddle up in front of the fire, catch up on TV and snuggle.
Of course, Riley went a little stir crazy. She needs to go out every day. And when her best friend Charlie from next door comes over, they work each other up into a crazy amount of excitement. This is them looking adorable, as if I just found them sitting cutely on the bed:
When really, this was them just moment before. Charlie's whole head fits in Riley's mouth! Don't worry, though, it's just playing!
They are the cutest!
We did spend some time packing for our upcoming trip. When Southern California people travel to cold places, we need to prep. Here's Tal getting ready. Handsome hubby or creep who snuck into the house?
But even with all that excitement, there was still time for crafts! I finished my first embroidery project. I love it so much, I want to sew EVERYTHING.
I did have some sad time, too. We went to the mall to get my iPhone fixed, and the place was teaming with families getting their pictures taken with Santa. At the Apple store, the couple waiting next to us had the most adorable little girl, who was just about the age that Maggie would be now. And when she saw me looking at her, she smiled and waved. And my husband looked at her, and she giggled at him. And then I almost started to cry, which doesn't weird anyone out when you're in a public place. Not at all.
I try not to spend too much time thinking about the age miles stones, the things she'd be doing, how's she'd be growing. It's too hard. But that sweet little girl was such a reminder of what we should have with us this holiday season. It might not be Thanksigiving any more, but I'm thankful for our upcoming vacation.