I'm no Martha Stewart. Not even close. Every time I try to do a craft that I find on Pinterest, it looks like someone 5 year old did it (no distrespect to 5 year olds!)
But there are some crafts that I'm not terrible at. I learned to sew and knit when I was 13. I'm not great at either, but I'm passable. I just learned to crochet this year. I've been knitting a lot while watching TV, to keep my mind busy.
I also decided that I wanted to learn to quilt. The adorable little showing shop near my house offers quilting classes, so I signed up.
We made crib sized quilts. I love how mine turned out, and I love the fabrice that I picked - adorable little bandit raccoons! But there's a part of me that feels strange about it. I already have a box full of little girl clothes and a almost finished knitted blanket. They are all packed in a closet in my husband's office. In the corner of the basement, the place I most avoid, we have stowed a car seat, a baby bath, a pack n play.
So what does it mean to knit a baby sweater, to crochet granny squares to turn into a baby blanket? Am I creating positive energy? Or am I just creating something else that will break my heart when I have to put it away?
Only time will tell, I suppose.
But nonetheless I am proud of my cute little quilt.
Here's a close up of the adorable bandit racoon fabric. I just love it so much. Also with a kitty paw, of course, because nothing in our house can be done without a pet being involved somehow:
I have spent years waiting, hoping my period wouldn't come. Counting days. Charting and temping. Day 26. Day 27. Day 28. Hoping that the aches and tenderness were a positive sign, not a negative one. Months and years of my life, all counted down day by day, marked on a calendar.
It's strange to be in the world of IVF. Everything changed then. Now I'm counting down the days again, but hoping that my period arrives. When it gets here, I'll be able to start the next round. It's not that I'm looking forward to injections and mood swings and anxiety. But at least once we get started, I'll be able to dream again, that maybe this time it will work, that maybe this round will be our lucky round.
It's day 26. Maybe soon, maybe even now, our lucky egg is there waiting.
I'm not one of those adults who loves to dress up in costumes. I still think of Halloween primarily as a children's holiday. Maybe that's why I've been a little blue around Halloween lately. It reminds me of who isn't here to celebrate.
For most of the years that my husband and I have been together, I've dressed his dog up for Halloween. She's been Darth Vader, a bumble bee, a squirrel, and a unicorn being ridden by a princess. When I was pregnant, I had plans for dressing the dog and the baby in themed costumed. The baby died, and I had no desire to dress the dog up last year.
This year my husband kept asking me if I was going to dress her up this year. I think he felt like if I dressed up the dog, it would be a sign that I was okay. I didn't have the energy to explain to him why I really don't care about dressing the dog any more. It was easier just to do it, although I just stuck some ears on her, instead of a full costume.
She was not excited about it, and I will admit that her embarrassment made me laugh for a really long time.
Honestly, could she be any more ridiculously cute? I love her.
As for me, I'm doing my best to muddle through.
Today, we had another pregnancy announced. Remember when I was sad that the fifth work baby was on its way? Well, now I've been here seven months and this is baby number six in a group of 30. It's insane, so many babies. This announcement included an explanation of how he and his wife really wanted to have a second baby, but were having trouble, so were just about to start fertility treatments when they found out she was pregnant. Isn't that just crazy? Ha ha ha. So crazy! I laughed with everyone, and then went to my office to cry.