I've told everyone at work now.
Only one person in the office knows our history. I'm not trying to keep it a secret, but I never knew how to bring it up. It's not something that comes up in casual conversation. Honestly, I'm also not that close to the people I work with, and I haven't really wanted to let them into the deepest part of my heart.
It also never seemed like the right time. In the year I've worked in our department of just over 30 people, there have been 7 babies. At least one person has been pregnant, or had a pregnant wife, the entire time I've worked there. How do I bring my story up? "Oh, you're seven months pregnant? How nice for you. When I was seven months pregnant, do you want to know what happened to me? OK, have a great day!"
Everyone was very sweet and happy for us when I told them. But everything felt so fake, my smiles back to them, my assurances that we are so excited and happy.
And we are. So happy. But every piece of happy is matched with equal parts of fear and terror, so I feel like I'm wearing a mask, keeping those parts of me to myself, pretending that they don't exist. Pretending that my daughter didn't exist.
I couldn't bear to tell 30+ people one on one, so I told a couple of people personally and just told everyone else in a group meeting.
And then I cried all the way home. It was so hard, so draining.