I haven't had the energy to post much. Or read much on the internet.
I've been hermiting.
I feel like I'm handling this pregnancy less well than in the beginning. My anxiety is increasing and I'm tired all the time. Physically tired, but also just TIRED.
I was scared in the first trimester, thinking I might have a miscarriage. But we got through it.
And now I'm more scared than ever. Now that I can feel him moving, little flutters. Now that we have told people. Now that we are getting closer to the point in the pregnancy where the doctors say that preeclampsia could return. Closer to the point where Margaret died.
I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do.
I need him to be okay.
I had spotting just over two weeks ago. It turned out to be unexplained but not dangerous, a doctor's appointment where he confirmed the baby was okay and two days of bedrest and the spotting stopped. But during that time, the time between when the spotting started and we could see the doctor, things were bad. I had a panic attack, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying. I was so sure that we were going through it again. I was so sure that I wouldn't survive going through it again.
We have different doctors now. Better doctors, and a high risk doctor who is watching me closely. My husband keeps reassuring me that it won't happen again, that they know what to look for and will take care of me.
And chances are, he is right.
But it all makes me so tired. And I feel like I have no place to put this tiredness, this fear.
I don't want to burnden my husband with it. He wants me to be positive, to not affect the baby. And he is right about that too. This baby deserves for me to not spend the drive home from work in tears. He deserves hope. But how do I do that? I don't know how to do that.
I don't know how to do this.