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April 13, 2013


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Do you think you will open the box and look at the prints someday?

I was in a haze as well when they handed my daughter to me. I don't remember looking at her feet. I know that I touched her hand, and rearranged her arms. I remember feeling the smoothness of her round head in my palm. But for the most part I think I just kept staring at her face in shock. I think we all look back and think of 100 things we wished we'd done in the moment, but we can't go back and get them again.

Still, I love her footprints. I have a necklace with her name and birthdate, and a ring with the same with her birthstone. I may or may not get jewelry to hold some of her ashes in. Afterall, her fetal cells are in my blood... so I know she is as much with me as she could be.

But it's just never, ever enough.


I do think we'll look someday. I just don't know when that will be. In a way, I almost wish we hadn't waited so long. I can't imagine what will happen if there aren't footprint, handprints, pictures. I think I would fall apart. I'm pretty sure there aren't pictures of us holding her, but I'm also pretty sure that there are pictures of her. Ugh.

Yes, I, too, focused on her face. In the shock, what else can we do. The best we can. But with hindsight, how can it be good enough. How can the short time we spend with our babies be long enough, when it should have been our lifetimes.

I've thought about jewelry for her ashes as well. I just can't imagine opening up her ashes and putting them in.

All these things that we should never have to think of.


I'm so sorry you're feeling this way..... I have days like this, when I just don't know how to handle it all. But I get through, as will you.
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo of Dylan's footprint on my wrist. someday I'll actually do it....

Mrs. Match

Oh sweetie. It must be hard with the pregnancies happening around you. And I know what you mean about the feet. For us, it was her lil baby butt. My husband cried one day when he realized we didn't see it. I think baby butts are so cute, and we will never know what hers looked like. And I never kissed her face, and that makes me sad too. I held her, but I never kissed her. I'm grateful for the nurses for telling us to take pictures, because we never would have thought to otherwise.
I hope you find some peace soon my friend.

March is for daffodils

I didn't take a really good look at Anja's feet. And I've been thinking a lot lately about how I wished we'd unwrapped her better from her blankets and really pored over her. But, like you said: we did the best we could. And nothing would never have been enough. It couldn't be; they were already gone. I can hardly believe it - still now - when I write that. Sweet little gone girls. Sending a hug for you.

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