Tired

I haven't had the energy to post much.  Or read much on the internet.

I've been hermiting. 

I feel like I'm handling this pregnancy less well than in the beginning.  My anxiety is increasing and I'm tired all the time.  Physically tired, but also just TIRED.

I was scared in the first trimester, thinking I might have a miscarriage.  But we got through it.

And now I'm more scared than ever.  Now that I can feel him moving, little flutters.  Now that we have told people.  Now that we are getting closer to the point in the pregnancy where the doctors say that preeclampsia could return.  Closer to the point where Margaret died. 

I don't know how to handle it.  I don't know what to do. 

I need him to be okay.

I had spotting just over two weeks ago.  It turned out to be unexplained but not dangerous, a doctor's appointment where he confirmed the baby was okay and two days of bedrest and the spotting stopped.  But during that time, the time between when the spotting started and we could see the doctor, things were bad.  I had a panic attack, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying.  I was so sure that we were going through it again.  I was so sure that I wouldn't survive going through it again. 

We have different doctors now.  Better doctors, and a high risk doctor who is watching me closely.  My husband keeps reassuring me that it won't happen again, that they know what to look for and will take care of me.

And chances are, he is right. 

But it all makes me so tired.  And I feel like I have no place to put this tiredness, this fear. 

I don't want to burnden my husband with it.  He wants me to be positive, to not affect the baby.  And he is right about that too.  This baby deserves for me to not spend the drive home from work in tears.  He deserves hope.  But how do I do that?  I don't know how to do that. 

I don't know how to do this.

 

Comments

[March is for daffodils]

Oh, oh, oh. I remember this so well. It is seared in my memory, the fear of my pregnancy with M, the panic, the anxiety, the hopelessness, the feeling like it was all on me and there was no way I could manage that responsibility when obviously I had failed before. I want to say to you that it is ok that you don't know how to do this, but I doubt that helps. One thing I do want to say is that your positivity or negativity is not going to affect the baby deeply - I have no scientific evidence for this (that is probably obvious) but I do have an incredibly sweet, happy, confident and secure baby boy who grew inside an anxiety-ridden, negative, and basically hopeless mama. He was a fussy baby and a few people told me it was probably because I was so stressed out while I was pregnant and it was all I could do to keep from spitting in their faces because: YOU TRY IT. You try living with that fear and responsibility for month after month, with a healthy portion of grief thrown in. And then also a little sneaky part of me wondered if they were right - I can always find one more way to blame myself, it seems. But he grew out of that crankiness and he is a delight and I wish I could at least go back and take that one worry off my shoulder - the worry that he would be affected by my stress - because the other worries - THAT HE WOULD DIE - are big enough and we don't need anymore. You are doing a wonderful job of this - I say this because I honestly think that if you get through this with a shred of sanity intact, you've done a great job. It is REALLY FUCKING HARD.

Sending love and hugs: your comments on my blog helped get me through M's pregnancy and I will never forget that - I wish I could do something to help you out now...

[allmyprettyones]

Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel: stressed, panicked, worried, triggered. It's OK to feel that way. It won't hurt this baby that you feel this way.There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way, so don't be so hard on yourself. If you feel like crying, DO IT. If you need to pace, do it. Find things that relax you at least minimally, like taking walks, or getting lost in movies or novels. Don't listen to anyone who tells you to be more positive, even your husband. You feel what you feel and you have good reason to feel it.

[torthuil]

It's OK to feel tired and stressed and scared. I don't think it can be avoided entirely and not sure it would be good to try. I would say only, if it gets overwhelming, find a professional you can talk to (maybe your doctor can recommend someone?) Take care :-)