September

Was it really July, the last time I posted?

How does time go so quickly and so slowly?

He's still here.  Still growing.  And thus, I am still growing too.  It's hard to believe that I am 31 weeks pregnant.  That somehow we have gotten this far.   I love him so much, and am overwhelmed by the love and the fear and the hope of it all.

We are still cautious and superstitous.  We received a car seat from the company I work for - they have a maternity support program that gives you a car seat if you talk to a nurse three times.  I signed up, talked to the nurse, and the car seat arrived.  It's in the plain cardboard shipping box, sitting in the basement.  We haven't bought anything else for him.  We tell each other that we have a car seat, so we can get him home from the hospital, and the rest we can worry about later.

Most of the time, I'm okay with that.  Other times, I'm mad about it.  Not mad enough that I can overcome my fear.  But mad because this baby is so loved and deserves to be celebrated and it isn't fair that I can't bring myself to agree to a baby shower or presents.  And it is not about presents, it's about the joy that a baby shower means, and the audacity of hope that would go into having one.  Every time I start to think that maybe it would be okay, I think of my husband, packing up our daughter's things, and I just can't bear it. 

So we muddle through, the car seat in one box, our daughter's thing packed in another, and we wait and hope for 40 weeks to come quickly.

 

 

Comments

[torthuil]

yay for 31 weeks! and a baby that is growing big and strong. I wish I knew what to say about the conflicting emotions of wanting to hope/celebrate and wanting to hold back. It's just hard. I know you will do the right thing for you and your baby.

[Sadie]

I've been thinking about you and am so delighted to see this post :) Congratulations on hitting 31 weeks!

I totally get the cautious/angry thing. I still get angry sometimes when I think of how robbed of the presumptuous joy and celebrating I felt during pregnancy (and long after). But then I look down at my daughter, wriggly and smiling and full of life, and am reminded of how deeply that joy is manifest now, and don't have time for anger anymore. You'll get there. You will.

Sending so much love to you and both your beautiful babes. I hope these last weeks pass uneventfully and can't wait to read your news! x

[Caitlin]

Hugs to you. I'm just starting to TTC again, and working on battling the crazy anticipatory anxiety that is pregnancy after loss. When I have a (rare) good day full of the "audacity of hope" :), I make an act of intentional optimism. I bought a used pack-and-play, one day. I knit a baby hat, another. They keep me going, those acts, those shimmery minutes of hope. And I'm not even pregnant yet. Phew. I am in awe of your 31 week journey and very much hoping for your happy ending.