He's Here...

He's here.  He arrived into the world on Nov 18th.

Our beautiful Nicholas Henry.

I have come back to this blog time and time again to try to find the words to write.  It's hard to know what to say.  We are so, so, so grateful and glad that he arrived safely.  But I miss Margaret in different ways now.   What we are missing is more real.  Before it was theoretical - we had a daughter, she should be one, she should be two, she should be walking, she should be talking.  But now, when he smiles at me, I can't help but think "Is this her smile?"  I wonder what it would have been like to have an almost 3 year old and an infant.  I wonder if Nicholas would be here at all - it took three rounds of IVF to get him here; it's unlikely we would have gone through that if we had a living child.  I think about the box of little girl clothes that are still sitting in a closet and wonder how long we will leave them there.

When people say "He looks just like your husband", I smile and agree and thank them.  I never say "Would my daughter have looked like me?"  But I think it.  I think it every single time.

I am so glad that he is here.  There are days I am so tired and busy that I don't have time to grieve much.  But oh, oh, oh how I miss her.

 

Comments

[torthuil]

I am so happy to read this update! Welcome Nicholas! you are so loved.

I understand that your feelings are complicated, but so thrilled for you. All your children have a place in your heart.

[conceptionallychallenged]

I've been thinking about you and I'm glad to hear he made it here safe and sound.
And the missing on a whole different level, yes. (Everyone comments how much our daughter looks like my husband though.)